


The things that we don’t say (but we know)

by Shadowdianne



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-23
Updated: 2015-04-20
Packaged: 2018-03-19 08:22:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,532
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3603099
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shadowdianne/pseuds/Shadowdianne
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“What do you feel when you have true love?”</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

 “What do you feel when you have true love?”

The question was said softly, as if the words were precious glass that was going to smash against the floor seconds before being released in the air of the empty room. And for a second Regina thought that she had merely projected her own doubts into the air instead of being questioned by Emma.

The rest of the house was asleep and somewhere Regina could sense August’s snores and David’s breathing and even if she couldn’t see Henry she could imagine the gentle smile that the boy always had when he was in the middle of a good dream.

Everyone was sleeping except them and a hour before Regina had actually been surprised when Emma had brought two mugs full of chamomile tea and has seated next to her in font of one of the upper floor’s windows, her profile illuminated gently by the moonlight that filtered through a few clouds.

“I can’t sleep” The blonde had said as her only explanation and she had drank her tea calmly without looking at her. And even if Regina had known that something wasn’t right she had let it pass, drinking the hot beverage instead and thanking silently the blonde’s thoughtfulness.

And for an hour they had shared the silence without feeling uncomfortable, Regina actually relaxing in her skin once again after being exposed to dark magic for far too long in the past 24 hours.

Until Emma had asked that question of course.

“What do you mean?” Regina replied, trying to win some more seconds before answering the question. She looked at the window once again, the flickering lights of the city blurring until the only thing she could see was herself and Emma’s tired look reflected back at her.

“How do you know when you are with your true love? It’s something that both people feel at the same time?”

The blonde’s voice was forced, strange, metallic to Regina’s ears and she frowned thinking in the pirate and if he was the reason behind Emma’s questions.

“It’s not exactly a feeling” Regina said, repeating the words that she had been taught when she had first asked about what being a someone’s true love meant. She doubted that anyone in Storybrooke could actually give a different answer since all of them had been born in the same land. “You simply know”

Emma nodded but her reflected eyes remained the same, unmoving, sad, full of something that made Regina bit her lower lip as she still refused to look at the blonde directly. Even if she didn’t know why she was scared or why she didn’t want to look at Emma’s open face.

“That’s what mom… Snow had said to me” The blonde muttered and Regina thanked her good hearing because otherwise she couldn’t have listened to those last words. “But I don’t understand how something so… important for the people that live here can be described as that”

Regina wanted to answer to that but she didn’t and the silence reigned again between them as an imperceptible ticking from the brunette’s wrist registered the pass of time.

“Sometimes I also wonder about what it means” Regina admitted while wanting to make herself stop. She wasn’t supposed to say that, she was supposed to believe in what true love meant but after those last months she was starting to think differently about that powerful force and what actually could do.

“That’s why you had asked me to search for Robin?” Emma replied and her tone had changed, bitter and full of something that the brunette didn’t exactly knew but suspected what it was.

Regina, however, did know that she wasn’t supposed to search for Hood, or for wanting to know where he was. She had made the right decision sending him away and she doubted that confirming that he was happy was going to make her any good. But she wanted desperately to believe that something in her life had been different that merely being destined to be the Evil Queen, even if that was just a soulmate that should have never existed.

“What do you think?” Regina asked and she cursed herself for standing a little too straight and talking a little too loud and clenching her fists a little too forcefully as if she was feeling challenged for just the answer of a stupid question that didn’t exactly hold the importance for all of that.

“I promised you that I was going to find your happy ending” Emma said mechanically while removing at the leaves of her already cold tea as she looked at somewhere that Regina doubted was really at the other side of the window.

“That’s not an answer” Regina said and sighed, asking herself why she was still trying to talk about something that neither of them knew exactly what it was.

“I suppose it isn’t”                                                        

And this time Regina actually turned to look at Emma’s face while the other woman moved her neck until their eyes met, Emma’s still cold.

“Hook told me that I’m his happy ending” Emma finally admitted moving her right hand and touching the window, her index finger tracing a figure that only her could see. “And I kissed him”

“Congratulations” Regina croaked out and she coughed, trying to discern what Emma wanted her to say.

“I didn’t answer him” Emma replied, her lips barely moving as she kept drawing against the glass. “I don’t think I understand how that works”

“Which part?” The brunette asked and she found herself raising her hand and touching with it the cold glass of the window, Emma’s finger stilling for a moment before continuing with the invisible picture.

“I don’t understand how anyone can be someone’s ending and that be seen as good” Emma continued “What happens after being named that? What are you supposed to feel? Trapped?”

“Is that what you feel?” Regina asked and for a second she could felt Emma’s burning gaze even if she was not looking at the blonde once again.

Emma didn’t answer for so long that Regina started to think that maybe she had asked too much for only a simple question but after what appeared to be hours the blonde let her hand drop at her side and answered a quick affirmation, her voice still sounding strange to Regina’s ears.

“I miss feeling that I can do anything without being seeing as someone’s someone” Emma continued “It’s because of that that sometimes it’s easier just to kiss Hook and say to myself that I’m his happy ending because he is mine but nothing is so simple and he certainly isn’t my true love”

“We are in a different realm, maybe the feeling here is something entirely different” Regina whispered and she suddenly felt defeated; Emma’s last words were the ones that she had been asking to herself since Robin’s departure, what had meant for her, what it had meant for both of them, how much everything had been fate and what it could have been good in another time, in another realm.

“And what if it’s not?” The blonde asked moving herself closer to the brunette until Regina didn’t have the choice but look at her.

Emma’s eyes were full with questions and wonder, the same eyes that Regina had seen the first time she had met the younger woman. Eyes that could easily turn into deep emerald eyes fueled with anger and desire for protection, protection that Emma could easily give and was now starting to learn how to accept.

“Emma…” Regina found herself saying, her voice wavering as Emma took a step closer to her, still far enough to not actually being touching the older woman but close enough to make everything more complicated than it actually was.

“I was worried you know?” Emma said, her voice wavering and this time it wasn’t confusion but hurt what filled her eyes. “Worried sick in fact because as powerful as you are, you were one against three different queens. And after you told us that Gold was also there… Regina, you are in danger, as much as August was”

Regina opened her mouth and tried to explain herself but she knew that she couldn’t, she had promised Snow to keep the secret to herself so she stood there, silent, looking at everything but Emma’s eyes. And it was then when she saw how Emma’s mug was still in one of the blonde’s hands, the fingers white because of the pressure that the younger woman was putting in it.

Touching the mug Regina caressed softly Emma’s skin until the blonde exhaled and tilted her head, her blonde hair obscuring half of her face as Regina stilled her hand, suddenly realizing what she was doing. But Emma didn’t move and so neither did her.

“I won’t lie to you, I think we already established that” Regina said and that made Emma look at the brunette once again, silently nodding before moving her body, Regina’s hand falling at her side as both of them returned to look at the night’s darkness.

“He doesn’t deserve you” Emma said after a few more seconds of silence and it was Regina’s turn to feel tired and filled with rage, rage because neither of what was happening was something that she had asked for.

“I know” She replied as softly as possible and when she saw Emma’s curt nod in the window’s reflection she talked again “Neither does the pirate”

And this time, when Emma moved closer, Regina didn’t think about moving away. She stood there as the blonde kissed her cheek and when Emma stilled for a second, afraid of moving and unsure of what she had done Regina moved her neck and kissed the blonde’s lips.


	2. Chapter 2

“I’m not mad at you”

Regina nodded and sighed before taking another step towards Emma’s car. Her job was done and Rumplestiskin already knew where she had her loyalty. The fresh night air brought her the odor of the woods alongside with something else, something powerful that she didn’t want to ask what it was. For now.

She looked at her side where Emma kept helping her, carefully watching the night as they approached the yellow bug with apprehension, both women knowing that they could be assaulted by the remains of the Queens of Darkness at any moment.

“I know” Regina finally said and it was Emma’s turn to nod weakly as she finally opened the door of the car, her hands trembling slightly as she helped Regina in, the older woman’s legs still a little bit wobbly after the sleeping curse that Maleficent had casted upon her.

Both women knew that Regina wasn’t going to ask for forgiveness. it wasn’t her style, not when the brunette wanted to help someone and so Emma started the car and moved away from the vault, her phone still beeping every few minutes while different ID’s flashed on the screen and even if Regna tried to not read them Snow’s, David’s and Hook’s names appeared in scrambled order as every three of them tried to reach the disheveled blonde.

“Henry is alright?” Regina asked after a few more seconds of tense silence and for a second she thought that Emma wasn’t going to answer her, the green eyes of the younger woman completely focused on the road ahead of her while her hands tightened her grip around the steering wheel.

“I haven’t see him for a while but Snow and David told me that he was ok when they saw him” Emma’s voice was metallic when she mentioned her parents and Regina sighed and looked through the closed window of the car as the dark trees slowly morphed into the first building of Storybrooke.

The car rode with both women immersed on their thoughts and, from time to time, the tension between them made both of them look at each other, a myriad of questions swirling inside their minds as they finally stopped in the brunette’s house, a little light on the right part of the house signaling that Henry was already there.

Regina exited the car and turned, looking at the blonde woman that was already starting the engine once again and, with a tired nod to herself, the brunette tapped on Emma’s side of the car until the woman looked at her.

“Come in” Regina voice was soft and for a second she doubted that Emma was going to listen to her, not after everything that had happened.

Emma, however, followed her silently, her car dying at their backs as she closed it and marched towards the now open door of the house. Once inside Regina eyed the blonde until the younger woman let out a long sigh.

“Why?” Emma asked and Regina found herself shrugging, not quite knowing what to answer to the other woman. As the seconds stretched Emma’s tight jawline became more prominent and glimpses of anger started to show inside her pupils “Why Regina?”

“To protect you” Regina replied succinctly as she moved towards the living-room.

“You could have been killed” Emma’s continued as she followed her, her phone beeping once again as she looked at the other woman’s back.

Regina nodded silently and turned, her hands caressing the soft wood of the table in front of her as she locked her eyes with Emma’s.

“So?” The brunette frowned at the sound of her own voice but Emma kept looking at her ignoring the broken sound that had come out from the older woman’s lips.

“Snow couldn’t bear the idea of being anything else than pure, you shouldn’t have put yourself in danger because of it” Emma sat in one of the coaches as Regina kept staring at her with trembling lips.

“And what could have been the right answer then?” The brunette asked as anger seeped into her speech until her words were strongly laced with tired rage.

“Telling me the truth” Emma replied with clenched fists.

Regina snorted at that, her eyes burning with tears that she wasn’t going to let fall, not now. She knew that Emma had deserved the truth, lying to her had been one of the most complicated things that she had needed to do in order to do what it was expected from her. And not only because the blonde could really read her as an open book.

“You already knew that your parents were lying to you Emma, why me and not them?”

Emma stilled and for a second Regina believed that she had pushed too far the other woman’s anger. But Emma stood and approached her standing form, her eyes shining with the same tears that she wasn’t going to let them fall.

“Because I asked you to be sincere with me, and when I saw that you weren’t I believed that it was better that way. Because you have always believed in me, even when you didn’t want to, because you never saw me like I was breakable or weak” Emma’s voice became softer as she approached Regina, the words barely unintelligible as she raised her left hand as if she was going to touch the other woman’s face.

However it was Regina the one that touched Emma’s wrist and closed her own hand around it, their skins burning as both of them looked into each other eyes as the last remaining of anger died inside the blonde’s verdant eyes.

 “I could have helped” Emma finally said as she licked her lower lip making Regina’s eyes looked down at the glimpse of tongue that she let it out. “I don’t need protection”

“I know you could have help” Regina whispered “But I didn’t want to make you see what I saw inside that cabin”

“Why?” Emma’s question was said challengingly and Regina nodded to herself before doing the same thing that the other woman had done the night before; she kissed her.

Their lips crashed against each other until Emma moved her face and put her forehead in Regina’s shoulder, the angle of her body making the brunette stumble as she tried to put her arms around the younger’s woman frame.

“Just because” Regina replied softly and Emma trembled a little with something that the brunette didn’t know if it was anger, tears or laughter.

It didn’t matter though, Emma was safe.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Recommendation about the last episode: Watch only the last minute or so, it’s the only part you are going to enjoy.

Regina drank from her mug as Emma looked at her hands in the empty apartment, both women too tired to even talk.

The blonde’s lips were covered in little wounds, product of the woman’s tick of chewing them whenever she was upset or worried; the scent of trees and mud followed her like a second skin. Something that had made Regina smirk tiredly for a second when she had first picked up the odor before realizing what she was doing and stopping.

Emma glanced at Regina with a grim expression, her lips fiercely closed as the older woman tried to heat her hands with the hot mug she was holding.

“It’s not fair” Emma whispered and Regina smiled humorlessly before shrugging, her eyes covering in tears once again as Rumplestiskin’s words kept echoing inside of her.

“What it’s not fair?” She asked softly, her voice trembling slightly while she tried to keep her façade intact, too tired to even look at Emma directly as the younger woman put her elbows on the table and stare at her intently.

“Everything I guess” Emma replied and Regina laughed caustically before nodding herself, a white rage covering her once tired mind with its strength.

“Like my sister being alive even after she disappeared and everyone believed she was dead just because we couldn’t find her body?”

Regina raised her head only to found Emma nodding, her verdant eyes trying to lock themselves with theirs but Regina kept talking, letting the rage overtake her, too tired of the  pain she had been feeling since Rumplestiskin had let her go with a sinister smile and the promise to keep in touch.

Feeling rage was something she was used to, was simple, easy, feeling rage was less confusing and less complicated so she let the rage win inside of her. Her hands were grabbing the mug too strongly but she kept it that way, too carried away to even care anymore if she was doing or feeling what it was right.

“Like the fact that Robin is possibly in danger because of me?” She let out a tremulous laugh, tears threating to break her fury as they covered her eyes. “No, it’s not fair”

Emma sighed and licked her lips, Robin’s name making her swallow the dull pain she had been feeling since Regina called her hours ago.

“I’m sorry”  Emma whispered and Regina closed her eyes feeling uneasy now she had let her rage say what she had been thinking; Guilt, Pain, Death.

She was incredibly tired and as she tried to rest her forehead in the wooden table she felt a soft hand caressing her skin. Startled, she opened her eyes only to find Emma’s eyes staring back at her. The blonde had approached her and was now kneeled next to her chair with a strange expression on her eyes, her tea mug forgotten at the other side of the table where she had been seated until now.

“Robin is going to be alright” The blonde promised and although it was a mere flash Regina could discern the pain that glowed inside Emma’s pupil for a second before falling into the nothingness.

Neither of them talked for what felt like hours, the old clock’s ticking the only sound in the apartment as Emma kept kneeled next to the brunette, Regina still circling the mug with her hands although the tea was cooling quickly.

They could have said something to break the silence, or moved but they kept still even after Regina’s neck started to hurt because of the forced pose. As the time passed the older woman started to wonder if Emma wasn’t tired or if she was going to say something else apart from that promise but Emma kept staring at Regina, her head tilted to one side and her eyes firmly locked on Regina’s features.

The older woman’s eyes started to wander, forgetting Emma’s own eyes and focusing on the little, almost imperceptible movements her face made. Like the slight movement of her nostrils as the blonde woman breathed or the way the pale skin of cheeks seems to turn red from time to time. Even the flash of the woman’s tongue was an excuse to keep staring at her and so Regina’s rage disappeared little by little, being replaced by calmness.

“I chose you” The woman whispered and a quiet realization filled her voice as she repeated the words as slow as possible, weighing them. “I chose you”

Emma didn’t understand but she nodded quietly, caressing Regina’s cheek once again, destroying the few remains of Regina’s rage with her touch.

“I choose you” The brunette said for the third time and Emma tilted her head and smiled a little, her voice rough and deep because of the night she had passed searching for the author when she finally spoke.

“So do I”

Regina wanted to contradict her, told her that she was saying something else but she chose otherwise, her want for feeling Emma’s gentle touch one more second before everything started to crumble once again was stronger. Those stolen moments with the blonde were the only ones capable of healing her remorse and terror after all. And as Emma kept staring at her she wondered if the blonde knew or if she also needed those moments as strong as she did.


	4. Chapter 4

Emma didn’t react, not even after Snow’s cries when David and her discovered the now unmoving body of Cruella, not after the reassuring, yet void, words that both of them tried to tell her between tears. They were supportive and yet the only thing Emma could think about  was how her parents only saw her as an extension of themselves; Good, pure, a hero even if she was starting to feel that neither of them were exactly one.

She didn’t say anything, not even to Henry when the boy looked at her and smiled weakly, his tears starting to dry as he tried to hug her one more time, Emma’s own heart beating fast for a second before stilling completely when she heard another voice, deep and calm making both her parents and Henry go.

Then, with a few steps, the owner of the voice reached her side and touched her shoulder while Emma kept staring at the nothingness. Silence finally filled the place and Emma permitted herself to look at her side where Regina stood, her umbrella in the other hand and a inscrutable look on her face. Still, the only thing Emma could muster was a quiet thanks before finding that she didn’t see the point of talking anymore; not after what had happened.

Regina nodded and kneeled graciously next to her, her eyes never leaving Emma’s face, not even after the blonde woman tried to look away from the brunette’s soft brown pupils, so different to the looks Snow and David had looked at her.

They didn’t say anything for the longest of times, so much that Regina’s legs starting to tremble because of the position but she didn’t complain, her hands now on Emma’s right arm keeping her steady while the blonde sighed and tried to look away. Emma didn’t react, feeling only shame of herself and the tears that kept pooling on her eyes before starting to roll down her cheeks, the salty drops feeling hot against her cold skin.

Then, a sob filled the place and it wasn’t until Regina hugged her strongly murmuring reassuring words in her hair that Emma realized she was being the one trembling, shock running through her body as the true realization of what has she done hit her.

“I killed someone” Her voice was raw against the soft material of Regina’s coat and for a moment she wondered if she could be like that for a little longer, wrapped up between Regina’s arms and safe from the outside world.

Regina hugged her one more time before moving away, her clothes wrinkled and  muddy but she didn’t seem to care as she looked at Emma with understanding written on her face.

Emma felt the void in her chest starting to beat once again when Regina’s hand touched her cheeks and caressed them until every trace of tears were gone, the brunette’s own lips trembling for a moment before stilling, her movements soft and tender, never hurried and little by little Emma felt herself once again. Even if she knew that she had changed forever.

No because the savior crap, no because good heroes couldn’t kill but because she had killed someone and yet she knew that everyone was going to saw her as the fallen hero instead of the woman who craved for sleep and woke up far away from where she was, far away from the choices she had been compelled to make.

And yet, Regina was the only one looking at her, protecting her with a quiet understanding emanating from her eyes, soothing her pain.

“I killed her” Emma repeated with a sob growing inside her throat and this time it was herself who moved towards Regina and hugged her, catching the whiff of apple scent and fire before the brunette broke down the hug once against and kissed her temple with her hands caressing the blonde’s back in soft and gentle circles.

“Sometimes we only see a correct answer” Regina finally said with her deep voice covering Emma’s body like a blanket “Even if we know that what we are doing is wrong we decide to go for it instead of thinking anything else. You didn’t know Cruella couldn’t kill Henry”

“And yet” Emma said with a bitter smile and Regina sighed and nodded alongside with her.

“I’m not going to move away” The older woman finally said when Emma started to get restless, her hands now on her lap as vivid images of her family moving away starting to fill her mind.

“You are not?” The blonde replied weakly, her eyes red with unshed tears and tiredness that she felt on every part of her body like a curse.

“I’m not.” Regina responded “We are going to figure everything out, together”

The words weren’t void, not like David speech of how Emma was still his daughter even after what had happened. Regina’s words were a promise, a safe place between the craziness her life had become and so when the older woman stood up and offered her one of her hands Emma stood and hugged the woman one more time as the brunette poofed them away from there.

“I trust you” Emma whispered in Regina’s ear while they were traveling, purple mist circling them, keeping them together and even if the words she had thought were others Regina nodded and hugged her a little more strongly as if she knew what she had wanted to say.

“I know”

 


End file.
